Where All My Ugly People At?

Nicole and I went down to the salon tonight to get her hair colored. She got some major highlights and is quite the blondie, now! Combined with the fact that she just got her eyebrows shaped by a super-pro, I hate her just a teensy bit. Stupid gorgeous friends with their stupid movie-star eyebrows and stupid perfect hair. Harumph. Don't even get me started on the difference eight years makes on cleavage, gravity-wise. I need some ugly friends, stat.

You might think I am exaggerating for comic effect, but even the young dude working at McDonald's leaned waaaaay the fuck down to get a gander at her in the passenger seat, so I assure you I am not embellishing her current state of hotness. In comparison, I feel decidedly creased and decrepit. I imagine that freight barges feel much the same way when a schooner sails past. I had great fun hollering in the background of her phone call home, though. I may have informed her husband in rather crude terms that he might want to...ahem...get his engines running, given what was going to walk through his front door in a short time. Rendering some of your best friends speechless with hysterical laughter? Awesome!

I have to wonder if it would come as any surprise to men just how gleefully, descriptively, creatively vulgar women can be when in trusted female company. I mean, I know men surely realize that women share far more information with each other than men do with their male friends. And certainly some of the verbally liberated banter comes with age, because after you've lived a certain number of years and experienced a certain number of seminal moments, people tend to do away with any semblance of bashfulness. I, personally, have achieved a crescendo of indecency that I could nary have imagined as my twenty year-old self.

Take anal-bleaching, for example. I'll give you a moment to collect yourself before proceeding.

Yes, anal-bleaching. Ever heard of it? I hadn't either, until a few weeks ago. Evidently, some people are taking concerns about a youthful appearance to a whole 'nother level! The process is designed to lighten the skin around the bunghole (that is the proper medical term, isn't it?) and return the rectum's gate to infant-like freshness. Apparently, it is quite the rage in salons...and I'm not talking about salons in Los Angeles, either. This is mid-Michigan, for crying out loud!

I told Nicole we may have to do it, for the simple reason to be able to laugh about it before, during and afterward. Truthfully, we laughed so much about it that we might have used up our quota already - but like Nicole so aptly observed, "it's like a perverse 'Bucket List' thing to do". I may or may not have suggested that we could hold each other's cheeks while the treatment is administered - I will neither confirm nor deny any allegations.

Apropos of nothing, WHY WON'T MCDONALD'S PUT A WHOLE PIECE OF CHEESE ON THEIR FILET O' FISH SANDWICH? Yes, I'm angry - hence, the caps-lock shouting. After Wendy's snatched away their uber-delicious fish sandwich and the Twisted Frosty from the menu after Easter, I was forced to return to McDonald's for my fast-food fish sandwich needs, and what a bitter disappointment it's been. I'm thinking of running for President of the United States on this platform alone: Force McDonald's to use a full slice of cheese on the Filet O' Fish, and make them pay a fine whenever a customer's slice is more than 20% off-center. I'm thinking I'd win.

I hope your weekend is a creatively obscene one, friends. Try and stay cool, wherever you are!